Friday, July 25, 2014

TGIF It

Eat your heart out, Tony Stark

Hope n' Change is taking the day off owing to the stringent requirements of our "Vow of Sanity."

Seriously - more plane crashes, more anti-Israel rhetoric, more IRS obfuscation, more Boko Haram violence, more presidential fundraisers, more of everything that (as Aristotle once quipped) "blows donkey dicks." Although admittedly, that phrase sounded a lot more urbane when he said it in the original Greek.

So we're spending the day cleaning the vast Hope n' Change office complex while listening to  relaxing New Age music (if you have Amazon Prime, you can listen to the same album for free!) and sipping decaf.

And by "decaf" we mean cheap box wine (but we checked - it's caffeine free.)

Enjoy your weekend and, if you happen to see me lumbering down the street in the metal suit above, give me a "shave and a haircut" knock on the helmet when it's safe to come out.    -Stilton


36 comments:

Frankie said...

Don't know when it will be safe to come out but we have a case of
"WD-40" to help with those pesky squeaks...... HAGW

Bruce Bleu said...

Holy MOLEY, Stiltman... looked it up in the original... φυσάει γάιδαρος ψωλές, and sure enough... you were right... it's MORE hilarious!!! (yes, yes... AND more urbane)
BTW, your "gnu's-proof suit" looks like the furnace in "Home Alone".
But I am afraid that you will NOT hear the "shave and a haircut" drum-roll on your helmet any time soon, (or any OTHER Korean surname), because lamont has made it illegal to be safe.
Sorry, buddy... elections have consequences (until elections are OUTLAWED)!

Omar al Tikriti said...

Hey, "blows donkey dicks." My jihad buddy Abdul is wondering about this. Maybe you send this to desert? We never did get those Double-Doubles as promised as payment for not converting to Islam. But this other thing you are talking about will do, Abdul says. But he, unlike me, is so easily pleased ...

Geoff King said...

Not to worry! According to his Lordship, the US economy has never been better:
http://dailycaller.com/2014/07/24/obama-its-pretty-hard-to-find-an-economic-measure-where-were-not-significantly-better-off/?advD=1248,231497
Now we can all rest easy knowing that the staggering unemployment, the record number of businesses collapsing or moving overseas, and the huge number of people now on some form of government assistance are all fictional. We are all living in the lap of luxury. Øbama says so.

Neal Hilistic said...

Ha! The Medieval returns! Time to party folks. Be thankful for your president, for your progressives! For indeed, this IS progress. Lizzy Warren, Omar is looking for YOU.

Anonymous said...

In other words, the author is going to spend another day drinking himself into oblivion. Seriously, check out a good recovery center or twelve-step program. Your liver will thank you.

Anonymous said...

A box of cheap wine will do the trick, but remember Hard Times demand Hard Liquor. And Liquor is quicker (quiquor?)

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Frankie- WD-40 is so good that I'm grateful the inventor didn't give up when the first 39 WD's failed.

@John the Econ- Yeah, to hear this administration tell it, the world is tranquil, our borders are secure, and the economy is booming.

And regarding the "complacency" which could lead to another 9/11 (or worse), I think this president would welcome such an event.

@TrickyRicky- Hmm, maybe I need to replace my desktop bottle of whiskey with oil of clove...

@Bruce Bleu- Oh, Aristotle was quite the rib tickler back in the day.

And I don't expect the news to turn good anytime soon; I just need the metal suit until my skin can thicken a bit more.

@Omar al Tikriti- I believe that instructions for the process were relayed to your brothers in Hamas, but there was a translation problem - which is why rather than blowing a donkey, they recently blew up a donkey. A clarification will be issued as soon as possible.

@Geoff King- Yes, everything in the economy is rosy as long as you know where to look, and (more importantly) where not to look.

@Gorbachev- I'm sure that Barry knows that all of the comments here just amount to good natured joshing. No wait, that's the name of the new White House Press Secretary...

@Neal Hilistic- The persecution and murder of Christians by ISIS is a good example of that "global tranquility" that Obama has effectuated.

@Anonymous- I'm already IN a 12-step program, but step one is "stop drinking when progressives stop being ignorant assholes." So you've just delayed my recovery by another 24 hours.

And speaking of livers (he segued deftly), there's an excellent piece in the Wall Street Journal today about Obamacare denying an expensive but miraculously effective drug which can actually cure sufferers of Hepatitis C because the high cost doesn't allow the healthcare plans to spread their budgets as thinly as they'd like to get the most populist bang for the buck.

Ironically, the drug treatment - while expensive - is actually cheaper in the long run because it cures the condition and prevents future expenses. But under Obamacare, "future expenses" aren't really being weighed - only today's bottom line. Which is why so many people with this serious liver disease will die because Obamacare denies them a better, cheaper, and permanent alternative treatment.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Anonymous 2- Boxed wine is good for sipping and casual relaxation. Corbett Canyon Chardonnay on ice is the current beverage of choice.

Hard liquor is reserved for later in the day, and/or emergencies (like, accidentally hearing Barry's voice on the radio).

Judi King said...

The greater the civilization, the greater the fall. Hence the "dark ages". which, I think, is what the progressives are aiming for. They, of course, will be the new "lords" in charge of the serfs(us). Drink away!

Grumpy Curmudgeon said...

@Stilton: Just lay back with some Gentleman Jack and put on some Jerry Jeff:

Getting’ By – The Ballad of Hill and Bill
Democrats Waiting For A Brain – Dedicated to Debbie Wassermann-Schultz
Pelosi’s Whine – CAUTION – on a continuous loop, must be manually rejected
Little Bird – EPA’s nationalizing anthem
Whup It Out - The Ballad of Carlos Danger
Up Against The Wall, Racist Mother
Backsliding Rino’s wine
London Homesick Blues – I will not make a parody of the unofficial Texas National Anthem!

Gorbachev said...

But Stilton, what are you talking about? They wasted all of that money on that Air Force program described in that link. Is that not good enough for you? Liver treatments?! Who needs liver treatments when all of this talk of tax increases is just to feed the overpaid lazy bureaucrats! It has nothing to do with anything productive or useful. You, me, we are all here to feed Leviathan. This is the ultimate truth in life. Submit! [Our intelligence people tell me that is Obama's favorite phrase, BTW. Just saying. Though we can never really tell in our intercepts whether it is he, Michelle, or Eric Holder who is speaking - or maybe it is Harry Reid?]

And speaking of which, avoid Omar - really. He and his ilk, according to our intelligence, are REALLY into this donkey blowing thing. This, according to our experts in psychology, explains their zest for violence. Religion is just their cover story. ["Gorbachev" is a cover for my TRUE identity.]

This message will self-destruct in 10, 9, 8 ... vodka!

Judi King said...

Truth is rarely shocking.

mindful webworker said...

Tony Stark? I thought this was from that Batman movie. Note the "nipples" on the suit. Yeah.

Anonymouseseses said...

Mindful Webworker,

Oh man, that is one truly sick mind - I never noticed "nipples" on the robot. I will be having nightmares tonight. Thanks a lot.

CenTexTim said...

Grumpy Curmudgeon +1

Eduardo de los Flácidos said...

Some Friday night humor from Sooper Mexican!

http://soopermexican.com/2014/07/22/rachel-maddows-fans-are-very-upset-that-she-said-communism-doesnt-work/

How funny these American Communists (the "progressives") are. Never been tried .... and absolute power never corrupts. Eh, putas?

And I am Venezuelan, in the event that Florida Republican, Clawson, is reading this. Frankie - I think he needs your help.

John the Econ said...

Yes @Stilton, I have been following the absurdity regarding the Hepatitis-C treatment. It's just another example of the absurdities that take place when you mix politics with health care.

The interesting thing is that there are several times more Hepatitis-C sufferers than there are, say, AIDS sufferers. But the political establishment wouldn't dare question the cost of a $1000-a-pill AIDS treatment that actually saved lives.

So what's that about? My suggestion to Hep-C people is to up your profile, establish yourself as a worthy victim class, and get to lobbying. After all, that's what getting decent health care in the future is going to be all about. Again, this is another example of what socialism does to a society; where everyone loses interest in the big picture to instead focus on their personal needs...

American Cowboy said...

@John the Econ

Just for kicks I am going to try to sound like the typical brist.

All the things you mentioned in your comment at 5:43 AM are "phony" events made up by Fox news and the conservatives.....

Oh hell, I can't continue, even in jest, with that line of (un)reasoning.

Maybe a few gallons of "coffee" just to clear the taste out of my mouth?

PRY said...

Great to see everyone laughing to keep from crying as things are getting so dire as to be ridiculous! Plus, as anyone with a base knowledge of history knows, this nation is in BIG trouble.Nikita Kruschev said we would go down from the inside and not from an outside threat and we are watching that happen as we live. No easy fix here. Hard to remember, God, not Allah or Obama, is still in ultimate control!

One of the patriots above suggested praying for America, I second that strongly!

David in SoCal said...

@Mindful Webworker: Obviously you were a breast-fed child if you appreciate/drool over the turgid nippleage on the Dive Suit. That does not, however, make you a bad person, just different.
@Stilty: While you are out jogging in your 1911 Macduffee Aluminum Alloy Diving Suit, don't forget the Aluminum Foil hat accessory to block your Constitutional thoughts.
I also believe WD40 is a miracle invention. My Dad would spray it on his knees to help with Arthritis. Around the year I was born, the Larsen's lived down the street from the SoCal parents' house in San Diego. My Mom was den mother to the Larsen boy(s). One day Mrs. Larsen came to our door, asking if my Mom would like to buy a comforter/quilt to help fund her husband Norm's new fledgling business; the 'Rocket Chemical Company'. Mom bought the quilt and gave her a few extra bucks as well. That little business became the WD40 Co. So, since my family were start-up 'investors', where's MY WD dividends dammit?!

PRY said...

You might enjoy seeing a terrorist and his friends and their unfortunate experience...I certainly did..click my name.

Schmaltzer Cronkite said...

Gee - I was feeling down a moment ago PRY. Thanks for that post. I posted while your were posting. I do feel better now.

What fun these Muslims. Party hardy, Islam - do more of this and then we won't have so much to worry about you.

Exit question #2: Why did they leave his vest on while they were "celebrating" him? Um ... just confused.

Geoff King said...

Interesting concept. Øbama may now want to be impeached in order to give Democrats a better chance in the Mid-term elections:
http://mobile.wnd.com/2014/07/congressman-at-border-obama-begging-to-be-impeached/

Dodger Blues said...

Geoff King,

Yeah, I have read elsewhere that this the reason the Repubs are holding off on anymore talk of impeachment - you know those evil Repubs, the Dems would say. I really dislike the Repub "leadership" but they are caught between a rock and a hard place. The LoFo simply does not understand (and the press will not facilitate) that the President is an executive, one that is supposed to implement what the Congress declares in law - the president isn't supposed to legislate (or regulate unilaterally). Obama's overreach is clearly extralegal, extraconstitutional, and therefore impeachable.

But politics and the electorate being what it is ....

Geoff King said...

I can see a possible scenario whereas the House starts Impeachment proceedings, only to be struck down by the Senate. Then the Demorons would say "see, we told you he was Lord and Savior", and get off their welfare butts to vote for any other Demorat in the running, because His Eminence told them to.

Geoff King said...

I don't know about everyone else's experience, but I have noticed an extreme warming trend over the last 6 months. Back in February, I could not leave home without several layers of clothing. Now, in July, it seems any amount of clothing is excessive. I can only hope that the recent coldest temperatures ever recorded in Antarctica somehow partially make their way up here in, I don't know, another 6 months or so.

SoCal Hawking said...

Well, I hope you are correct Mr. Curmudgeon. Me? I think we're all screwed. But that's just me.

Mr. King - Yeah, I agree. The warming trend is getting fairly awful. But in my few years on Earth so far, you know I have detected this same sort of thing every year! Mostly about this same time! Maybe I am a scientist too maybe? Or am I just reading too much into coincidences? I dunno.

And now for a racist cartoon. You can NEVER criticize a black man gentleman. NEVER. Don't ever forget that. Look at Maher's take on the current issue of NR and that "scientist" Tyson Corners or whatever his name is. He's actually an over-paid actor portraying an astrophysicist on PBS. Well, OK maybe he has a Ph.D. but you get my point.

BTW, Ph.D is in fact latin for "you now have a sheepskin, speculate with impunity sparky." I read that somewhere.

Anonymous said...

Just some advice. Pelosi and Soros are looking for you, you know.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Readers- As usual, even when I bail on my duties here, the rest of you fill the page with fun and fascinating observations. Not to mention ruminations on robot nipples (which are essential if you have to attach jumper cables in cold weather).

Also interesting are these odd remarks coming from the White House practically begging for impeachment. It's very much like Brer Rabbit saing "don't throw me in the briar patch," and believe me I'm going to try to make that into a cartoon soon.

Obama is certainly guilty of impeachable offenses, but the process can't possibly work - and it would totally energize the lofo (mofo?) Democrat base for the midterms.

If, however, Barry continues issuing executive orders in hopes of ATTRACTING impeachment procedings, he shouldn't get away with it. Mind you, I'm not calling for a nice peaceful military coup (that would be wrong, that's for sure) - I'm just saying that it would be fun to see the look on Barry's face if it happened.

Geoff King said...

Speaking of Al Gore, I personally watched a crew cut down 250 year old Pinyon Pine trees to erect a podium so he could dedicate the Escalante Staircase National Monument of Utah. Only problem is, the Dedication Ceremony took place at the South Rim of the Grand Canyon in Arizona. It seems that the Escalante region of Utah contains the world's largest known deposit of Lignite coal (the cleanest burning, most efficient coal there is). By coincidence only I'm sure, the second largest deposit is in IndoChina, owned by the corporation that paid the most money for Bill Clinton's re-election campaign. The local shaft mining economy in Utah was destroyed, which may explain why he dedicated a totally useless piece of land, without any scenic value in a state that abounds in glorious views, from the next state over. At the dedication ceremony, the cameramen were instructed to only show the upper portion of the North Rim of the Grand Canyon, so that when Al spoke people would see a beautiful background without realizing that it had nothing to do with the desolate piece of real estate that he stole from a totally different state.

Geoff King said...

K. I know no one was actually speaking of Al Gore, but whenever the topic of Global Warming pops up, I can't help but think how that man, with his private Lear Jet and 3 mansions with the carbon footprint of Rhode Island can possibly sleep at night.

Wahoo said...

Off topic, but saw where, now that weed (aka "devil's lettuce," "muggles") is legal in Colorado, the welfare cheats are using their EBT (Electronic Benedits Transfer) cards to get stoned at taxpayer expense. Though EBT cards are intended for purchase of staples only, I gather that most shops have ATM machines on premises, and the welfare cheats simply withdraw their cash and walk out with their free bud. Is this a great country, or what?

I suppose when the federal gov't starts regulating the pot industry, the FDA will require them to list the ingredients and calories on each bag.

Wahoo said...

In fairness to the welfare cheats, not all of them use their EBT cards to buy high-grade pot...many use their EBT cards to pay for booze and strippers.

Schmaltzer Cronkite said...

And this just in, the Mighty Progressives continue to amaze the electorate too stupid not to vote them in with this bit of news: "Now I can't find a doctor."

The voter conintued, "I've been paying a premium since March for medical care that I've never been able to access," she said.

This is indeed progress. One of the best ways to keep healthcare costs down - pay your premiums and NEVER see a doctor. This is at the heart of all Progressive dreams (wet or otherwise).

And that's the way it is ...

John the Econ said...

Okay @Alfred E. Newman, you've provided me with the belly-laugh of the day.

So a bunch of girls who wish to dress provocatively and then swim in a sea overwhelmingly populated by socially retarded males are actually surprised when said social retards react in a retarded manner? Who wouldn't see that coming?

This whole "geek evolution" thing actually depresses me. In my youth, being a "geek" meant being inordinately focused on things (usually of a scientific or technical nature) more so than the average person of an age. It didn't mean you wanted to be a child. It was quite the opposite. Although geeks might have been socially awkward, in other ways they were far more mature than their more contemporary peers.

Today, pop culture has retarded being a geek into a kind of extended-to-perennial childhood that justifies being 14 forever. It's quite sad, really.

Call it the "Big Bang Effect". But it certainly wasn't always that way. During my school years, I actually had a lot of friends at Cal Tech. Yeah, we all enjoyed science fiction, but it never would have occurred to any of us to walk around dressed like Mr. Spock. And absolutely none of them would be caught dead-or-alive reading a comic book.