Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Word War III

obama, obama jokes, political, cartoon, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, ISIS, terror, syria, war, comedy, kerry, geezer

Okay, now it's on. After fighting a years-long battle against pretty much every military expert and adviser in our armed forces, Barack Obama has finally started airstrikes against terrorist positions in Syria - exactly as Mitt Romney suggested (and Joe Biden openly mocked) way back in 2012.

But such an escalation comes at a terrible cost: specifically, ISIS spokespman Abu Muhammed al-Adnani is now punctuating his terrorist rants with scathingly witty references to our national leaders. Among al-Adnani's Oscar Wildean ripostes:  Secretary of State Kerry is an "old uncircumcised geezer," and Barack Hussein Obama is "the mule of the Jews." Bang! Pow! Zoom!

Remarks such as these must not go unanswered, and Hope n' Change stands ready (if called) to supply our military with as many weapons-grade counter-insults as necessary. We can begin with the fact that every single ISIS member has a face that looks like Willy Nelson's ball sack, and escalate from there if necessary. Or, if a fully-automated "Iron Dome" approach is preferred, cyber-insults can be fired back at the speed of light thanks to fully automated systems like this one. Either way, it won't be pretty.

The ever-jocular Al-Adnani (known on the radical Islamic comedy circuit as a "beheadliner") rounded out his stand-up routine saying "if you can, kill a disbelieving American or European - especially the spiteful and filthy French - or an Australian, or a Canadian, or any other disbeliever! Kill him in any manner or way however it may be!"

What a kidder! No wonder B. Hussein simply laughed off the threat of ISIS for so long.

"You rub it and it turns into a suitcase!"


Geoff King said...

Naturally Øbama once again did not bother to seek the Constitutionally required congressional approval before launching his attacks inside Syria. No matter. Who's gonna complain? Assad? Nah, he knows it is not really his country unless we tell him it is. Russia? Nah, just 'cause Putin says he will defend Syria against any attacks (like what is now happening), we all know he is a wimp and will do whatever our mighty leader tells him to.
I just wish the UN would require the bad bad guys to wear black hats so we can tell them apart from those bad "moderates" we have been arming to the teeth. Oh, I forgot, the bad bad guys are no longer Al Qaeda, they are ISIS, but the really bad bad bad guys are now called Khorasan:
Of course, all of these groups appear to be interchangeable, but as long as somebody is sure who the enemy is this week and what we should call them I guess destabilizing another country and risking war with Russia will all be worth it.
I only worry about the bad bad bad bad guys anyway - whatever they will call themselves next week.

Grumpy Curmudgeon said...

@ Stilton: "Willie Nelson's ball sack..."? H*** of a vision to start off the morning...

Vereor Non Magnus Nocens Lupus

We know that the sheep live in denial; that is what makes them sheep. They do not want to believe that there is evil in the world. They can accept the fact that fires can happen, which is why they want fire extinguishers, fire sprinklers, fire alarms and fire exits throughout their kids’ schools. But many of them are outraged at the idea of putting an armed police officer in their kid’s school. Our children are dozens of times more likely to be killed, and thousands of times more likely to be seriously injured, by school violence than by school fires, but the sheep’s only response to the possibility of violence is denial. The idea of someone coming to kill or harm their children is just too hard, so they choose the path of denial.

From a very early age, sheepdogs are introduced to their flock to allow them to become familiar with those they are responsible for, to imprint. As they grow, the flock becomes accustomed to the sheepdog's presence and generally accepts it as one of their own, yet remains wary of its obvious differences. The sheep generally do not like the sheepdog. He is more similar to the predators that they try to avoid than it is to them, but trust that it means them no harm. He has fangs and the capacity for violence. The difference, though, is that the sheepdog must not, cannot and will not ever harm the sheep. Any sheepdog who intentionally harms the lowliest little lamb will be punished and removed. The world cannot work any other way, at least not in a representative democracy or a republic such as ours.

Throughout its life the sheepdog performs his or her duty and asks for nothing in return—its nose turned in to the breeze, its ears alert for the slightest sound. The sheepdog knows that its presence is usually a deterrent and may never have to lash out in anger, but when that day comes, he is prepared to fight to the death. He quite literally guards the flock, the whole flock, with his life. No harm shall come to any in his charge.

Still, the sheepdog disturbs the sheep. He is a constant reminder that there are wolves in the land. They would prefer that he didn’t tell them where to go, or give them traffic tickets, or stand at the ready in our airports in camouflage fatigues holding an M-16. The sheep would much rather have the sheepdog cash in his fangs, spray paint himself white, and go, “Baa.”

Until the wolf shows up. Then the entire flock tries desperately to hide behind one lonely sheepdog.

Sheepdog said...

Yep, that about sums it up.

Kitty said...

It's incredible, Stilton! You can make me not only smile, but laugh out loud when there doesn't seem to be any cheer to the morning.

Willy Nelson's Ball Sack said...

What have we done to you to be insulted in this way?!?

CenTexTim said...

"beheadliner" - I belaughing!

And speaking of Willie Nelson's ball sack (how's that for a segue?), it reminds me of the woman who was such a fan of country music that she got a tattoo of Merle Haggard done in a very delicate spot, high on her right thigh, and a tattoo of Waylon Jennings high on the other thigh.

Worried that the two tattoos weren't recognizable, she slips off her undies, lifts her skirt to a guy in a bar, and says, "Can you tell who that is?"

The guy puts on his glasses, looks real close, and says, "I don't know who those other two guys are, but the one in the middle with the beard is Willie Nelson!"

John the Econ said...

"weapons-grade counter-insults"

That gave me a much-needed hearty morning chuckle. Thank you.

Meanwhile, the UN is back in full-session. And where is their primary focus right now? ISIS in Iraq? The degrading situation in Syria? Russian re-expansionism? Roving bands of woman-stealing zealots in Africa? The Ebola crisis?

No. The global agency changed with overseeing world harmony is instead focusing their energies on a totally made-up crisis, "Climate Change".

Judi King said...

Funny! Of course I don't know first hand, but the mental image of an ISIS member seems apt. As for the bombings, except for the one that seems to have gotten the Khorasan group, the others were done at night on empty buildings. Wow, what a loss for them. And what difference does it make what they call themselves? They're ALL islamic extremists and ALL the enemy of the world.

Anonymous said...

OK the suitcase joke is an oldies but a goodie. I was thinking the skin went to his face. The implication is appropriate.

Jim Hlavac said...

From Insult Command should come "our goggles can see through your Cabela's tent dress you're wearing, and your Nadori's Secret chiffon panties are too tight, and your bra is too big ..." and attack their masculinity. Telling them they look like ballsacks is merely enhancing their virility. Moreover, while "evil," they are children, like in that movie "The Bad Seed". Refer to them as children. And tell them "our Dodge Ram pickups are bigger than your Toyotas!" too. They are living on bravado -- trash that. Don't enhance their maleness -- wreck it.

However, this "Missile a day will keep ISIS away" bombing that we're going to do is not really a solution. If we're going to bomb ISIS then go for continue 24/7 massive bombing raids -- 100s of jets come to wreck the place -- and blast every truck they have to dust, hit their weapons depots, their electricity, their infrastructure -- and in a week or so, I suppose there might not be anything left.

And push for an independent Kurdistan -- they are not Arabs, and are reasonable, actually. And give the Kurdish provinces of Syria to the new nation, and work to peel off the Kurds of Iran -- and weaken that place (hell, push the Baluchis in SE Iran to join their Baluchi brothers in SW Pakistan in a new nation -- another somewhat rational people. Redrawing some lines would not be a bad idea.

What is needed is a grand strategy of the sort Balfour did in 1917 --which while serving his purposes then -- left us the mess we have today -- the lines are in the wrong places. Move 'em. But that would take a grand thinker -- and we have none around at the moment on the national stage. We are trying to "preserve" "iraq" and "syria" when the two are fake constructs barely 100 years old.

But this pinpricking, and arming these or those rebels in Syria is just dangerous.

Jim Hlavac said...

BTW - @Grumpy Curmudgeon -- I wholeheartedly agree with your sheep/wolf/sheepdog analogy. Very nice.

John the Econ said...

All good points, @Jim Hlavac. These guys are immature little boys from a culture that never evolved. We should treat them as such. (BTW, saying that on a college campus today would qualify as a "hate crime")

If I thought Obama was smarter, I'd think his real "lead from behind" strategy was to let the carnage reign in the middle easy, and let the new lines you suggest draw themselves. But we know he's not that smart. He's just not engaged enough to think it out that far.

The pre-peace-prize winner is bow currently addressing the UN general assembly. I was amused by his statement that "now is the best time to be born". Well, only time will tell on that, but I think I can say with certainty that such is not the case if you're a woman born anywhere outside of the west. where the future for too many is basically slavery. At least women who marry NFL players get a choice in the matter.

Colby Muenster said...

My investment in that waterproof keyboard pays off again! Well done, Stilton!

I'm reminded of the old comic cliche, "Thanks folks. I'll be here all week." I'm hopeful al-Adnani doesn't make it past... oh... today, but it is pretty amusing he's poking fun at that dirtbag Kerry, and calling Da Won an ass. Actually a mule, which is only half ass.

I can't believe you used the words "Constitution" and "φbama" in the same sentence.


@John the Econ,
If I woke up one day and was the Prez, some of my first acts would be to fire our UN ambassador, then cancel the UN's lease on the building that sits on American soil. They are one of the most anti-American organizations on the planet, and I think they can hold their stupid klan meetings elsewhere.

Yep. A rattlesnake by any other name is still a rattlesnake. When confronted by one, you have two choices. Let it kill you, or kill it first. These modern day barbarians do not wish to coexist with us; they wish to kill us at every opportunity, even if it means killing themselves in the process. I absolutely do not understand Americans who still entertain ideas that we can somehow reach out and become drinking buddies.

Judi King said...

You go, Jim!

Anonymouseseses said...

Heeeyyyyy. Wasn't this cartoon on FB yesterday???

Grumpy Curmudgeon said...

@Colby Muenster: The tenet I learned in the Corps about fighting Terrorism was that you made it so expensive that they wouldn't try you. Now with this administration and all it's hacks, not so much. I think that the ratio of 1 beheading:1 city might work - shall we make Mecca the first?

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Geoff King- Al Qaeda, ISIS, ISIL, Khorasan - whatever the name, Barry has helped make it easy for them to thrive and grow.

@Grumpy- GREAT analogy about the sheep and sheepdogs.

@Willy Nelson's Ball Sack- No offense was intended to you. I'm sure you have many delightful stories to tell, and didn't need to martyr yourself to meet virgins.

@CenTexTim- I know that joke well.

@John the Econ- Regarding the counter-insults, did you (or others) click on the link for the fully automated insults? It goes to a hilarious site which really DOES spit out ever-changing insults.

For instance, I just clicked and got "Mom humped your stepdad, you aborted deep throating bruised anus." Take THAT, Isis!

And I'm sick of hearing about "climate change." It's a fake issue to try to re-jigger the world's power balance.

@Judi King- I believe there's precedent for taking out the terrorists' aspirin factories first (I'm looking at YOU, Bill Clinton) under cover of darkness. I think Barry just wanted some good night vision footage to give the (ahem) "news" media.

@Anonymous- Yeah, it's a classic old joke. And I thought about making it a face lift gag, but decided to honor the borscht-belt comedy theme of today's commentary.

@Jim Hlavac- Good points across the board.

@John the Econ- Barry thinks "now is the best time to be born" because "now" is when he happens to be in charge. I beg to differ.

@Colby- And now, let us spray...

@Anonymouseseses- You caught me fair and square. A cartoonist friend of mine sent me the "uncircumcised geezer" story saying I should do something with it since he couldn't (not in a family newspaper, anyway). I made the cartoon and posted it on Facebook for fun - and then decided that it would make a perfectly good entry for today.

Of course, those on Facebook didn't get all of the rib-tickling commentary, nor the delightful graphic about John Kerry's foreskin. (grin)

CenTexTim said...

@Jim Hlavac - I agree with your suggestion of 24/7 bombing raids. But there's one problem with that - obama has so decimated the military that it doesn't have enough weapons in stock to carry out such an intensive campaign for very long.

Navy used 47 Tomahawks last night, 47% of planned 2015 purchases

Colby Muenster said...

Now ain't that just wonderful....

There's an old joke about a less than intellegent person of East European lineage who joins the Army, and they're out of guns, so they give him a broom and tell him to point it and say bangedy-bang.

Have we reached that point in our own military? We already used up half of next year's Tomahawks in one lousy raid? Really?! I also heard the Army now can't even provide bullets for target training.

Hey, but there's good news folks! You can get a "free" abortion or a "free" cell phone! You can get "free" food, "free" housing, "free" college... You don't have to pay for it, the government will!!

Sigh.... any wonder our Army can't even afford bullets?

Judi King said...

Yeah, welcome to the "Brave New World"!

Geoff King said...

After ordering military strikes in Syria, and on his way to the UN Unchanging Climate Summit, the Contemptable In Chief showed his deep respect for servicemen by feigning a hasty salute while exiting Marine One. Without wasting his much too valuable time by switching his DISPOSABLE beverage cup to his left hand, he executed a half-hearted cup to the head action now being dubbed the Latte Salute without breaking stride or spilling a drop. Impressive!

Anonymous said...

When will I ever learn that you can't drink coffee while reading Hope n' Change. Mop up in aisle 3.

chris muir said...

'Do not forget to beat waitress'.

I freaking laughed for 5 minutes on that.

Stilton, you magnificent bastard!

Pamecon said...

Words hurt! References to "red lines", horse faces and #[insert stern public plea here.]. These will show them.
Who needs an expensive Military!

David in SoCal said...

@Geoff King: Omuslimsympathiser could not switch out the poofter latte as his prayer rug was under his left arm, and his pocket Koran was in his left hand.

Joseph-ET said...

@Geoff King – Many of us have struggled what to call these barbarians. And our current administration refuses to call them terrorist or Islamist. But, it appears that the French may have it figured out. Here’s the piece I speak of: “France is ditching the ‘Islamic State’ name — and replacing it with a label the group hates.”

REM1875 said...

Before john got circumcised the only time we could see his ears was when he had an erection.

REM1875 said...

During the reign of the great peanut farmer, jimmie the wurst, I was blessed with a tour just south of the southern border of the glorious socialist union of the working peoples paradise, the democratic republic of korea along a scenic stretch known as the dmz.
We were given 9 bullets a year to be shot at targets 25 yrds away because we were combat deployed.
This was not a good situation to be in to state it mildly.
So no I am not surprised his protege has ot left us any ammo to practice with.
The great aspirin raid and attack where comrade klinton ran us out of tomahawk missle in an attempt to silence the threat to billarilly's pharmaceutical portfolio leaving those evil republicans to spend money on military hardware the moment W waltzed throuuh the w h door comes to mind.

Earl Allison said...

Geoff King:

And let's not forget the frantic, desperate impulse to protect President Boyfriend by showing GW Bush saluting while holding his dog (with his LEFT hand).

I guess neither Bammykins or the media ever got the "I don't care if everyone else is doing it! If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you?" lecture.

I also guess that, even if you granted the media's fevered ranting that what GW Bush did was as bad as what Bammykins did (I do not, Bush's RIGHT hand was not holding anything, and the context of other actions of the two Presidents shows GW's love of and respect for the Military as well as Bammykins' complete disdain of them), someone else doing something wrong doesn't mitigate or excuse what YOU do wrong.

So as always, the Left is wrong on the facts, wrong on the law, and just plain wrong.

Buyer's remorse can be a terrible thing, especially when you traded the appearance of impartiality to shill for, hack for, and lie for President Boyfriend to the point that you CAN'T admit what a failure and horrible human being he is because you tied up all you were in promoting him.

Poor Media, let me play the world's tiniest violin for you and for Secretariat, too.

Wahoo said...

Not even Samuel L. Jackson wants to know what's in John Kerry's wallet.

Geoff King said...

Just when we learn a new name to call the bad guys, it is debunked:

Grumpy Curmudgeon said...

@Geoff King: Gee - it seemed strange that we went from 'no threat to the national security' to 'imminent threat' to 'OMG, they're arming the bombs' in less than a week. Surely it couldn't be Secretary Winter Soldier lying to us again and the Wonker-in-Chief's staff coming up with a straw dog to allow him to do something before his all important polls hit rock bottom before the midterms, and that would mollify the left wing base.

To paraphrase Fred Thompson's line in Hunt For Red October "Obama wouldn't take a dump without a poll telling him it was the popular thing to do".

Judi King said...

What does it matter what they're called? They'are ALL islamic extremists...ALL the same.... Why is this hard?

Grumpy Curmudgeon said...

Regarding the "Latte Salute', naval regulations provide a number of options: 1) Returning the salute is not required if your right hand is carrying something or is otherwise occupied - a verbal 'Carry On' or 'As You Were' is sufficient. 2) If it is impracticable to use the right hand to return a salute, the left hand may be utilized. 3) If you are not in uniform, a verbal acknowledgement to the rendered salute of 'Carry On' or 'As You Were' is sufficient.

You would think that this Administration would have a Protocol Officer to help teach these poor little gutter-snipes some manners, especially, that one does not touch the Queen of England and that no American bows to royalty.

John the Econ said...

Broken News: Holder is out. Who will replace him that could possibly be more divisive?

Grumpy Curmudgeon said...

@John the Econ: I understand that to achieve more diversity that Al Sharpton is on tap, Shillery is blowing spit bubbles...OH, did I say 'diversive'? - I meant divisive...

Colby Muenster said...

No big surprise here. Now Eric the Black can team up with Anthony Weiner for a run at the presidency. Would the lofo's vote for a Weiner/Holder ticket? Damn straight they would.

I would celebrate at the departure of this scumbag, racist piece of lizard shit if it weren't for my certainty that he will be replaced by a clone scumbag, racist piece of lizard shit. Plus, he is going to continue his "duties" (i.e. undermining The Constitution and making Whitey pay) until his replacement is confirmed by Congress. In other words, we're stuck with him until we have a new president, or until O'Liar is coronated and doesn't need an AG; whichever comes first.

Ahhh... Fred Thompson. Imagine him as president. If I'm not mistaken, he actually has actual BALLS.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Readers- Another crazy busy day here at HnC Central, so I can't comment on everything. But some quick remarks...

@Colby- "Tankety-Tank-Tank..."

@Geoff King- The "Latte Salute" was yet another insult from this president. As a former Green Beret observed, he's treating those marines like taxi drivers instead of heroes who would kill or die for him.

@Chris Muir- Thank you, my friend! And readers, don't forget that Chris creates one of the funniest (and definitely the sexiest) conservative cartoons online over at Day By Day Cartoons.

@Grumpy Curmudgeon- Yeah, it IS pretty strange how we went from "no credible threat" to "Defcon One" in about a week. It strains credulity, to put it mildly.

@John the Econ & Grumpy- You guys just stepped on my gag for tomorrow (grin). I thought of it before reading your comments, though - honest!

@Colby- There are rumors that Eric Holder is stepping down so he might be available for a Supreme Court slot. How I wish that I was kidding.

Geoff King said...

Holder on the Supreme Court is the stuff that bad dreams are made of. If 81-year old Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg resigns or has an "unfortunate accident" in the next several weeks, I will seriously consider becoming a Cocaine addict so that I might never sleep again and awaken to that nightmare.

Judi King said...

So, it looks like Holder threw himself under the bus for the good of the perceived image of his party. These people on the left ALWAYS have a motive and the rumors are already flying. I'm sure he'll be rewarded in some great fashion.

Grumpy Curmudgeon said...

@Geoff King: Ruth Ginsberg? I thought we were finished with the Willie Nelson ball sack comparisons....

Geoff King said...

Ahhh. Holder's surprise resignation starts to make sense considering the Fast & Furious fiasco finally may bite him in the ass:

Geoff King said...

We can thank Judicial Watch for relentlessly pursuing the FOIA request regarding the F&F document release now ordered to occur next month despite Øbama claiming Executive Priviledge to have them sealed. It would not surprise me if Holder skips the country before then.

Geoff King said...

With any luck, Øbastard will accompany him to some country that has no extradition treaty with the US. I'm sure Edward Snowden would rent them a room if they asked nicely.

Ciccio said...

I was just reading an Indian newspaper and I came across a court case where a man was suing his wife for divorce because she called him "Hijra", Don't quite know what it means but the judge immediately granted a divorce and no alimony.

Popular Front said...

Is it just me, or am I really the only one who thinks that John Kerry looks just like Lurch from the Addams Family? (apologies to Mr Cassidy)