Friday, June 10, 2011

Udder Nonsense



Here at Hope n' Change, we realize that it's daunting to be faced with terrible news day after day. Just this week, we've had to deal with disastrous economic reports, escalating wars, and Weiner's weiner. But surely there must be good news out there that proves the world isn't crazy, right?

Wrong. The world is crazy...and as proof we offer up the fact that those whacky Chinese have used genetic modification to create a herd of cows that give human breast milk. The milk will be offered to consumers as a more nutritious, and somewhat kinkier, alternative to standard moo juice.

"It's good!" according to a worker named Jiang Yao who has tasted the sweeter, stronger milk. And as he enthusiastically points out, "It's better for you because it's genetically modified!" Which is as catchy a slogan for the endtimes as any.

But this whole cross-breeding of cows and human breasts raises troubling ethical questions - especially considering that China is a country with a huge population of hormonally active young men and a severe shortage of women.

Fortunately, the Chinese scientists say there is virtually no chance that the busty bovines will prove attractive to human males, noting that "except for the horns, the cows look a lot like Joy Behar."

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23 comments:

Proof said...

When they reboot Baywatch, that whole "running on the beach" scene is going to suffer.

niteowl said...

"...except for the horns, the cows look a lot like Joy Behar."

From which end?

Angry Hoosier Dad said...

The thought of "genetically modified" doesn't normally frighten me, but what if the "modification" crosses through the milk? I've already got a nice set of moobs going here. I sure as hell don't need them lactating...though I guess I could get a second job as a wet nurse.

Colby said...

@Stilton,
This is udderly ridiculous, but I'm glad you're keeping abreast of world affairs.

@Proof,
...and imagine going into a Hooters.

Ementaler Limburger said...

"...except for the horns, the cows look a lot like Joy Behar."

Oh, that's low (no pun intended)! Please, Stilton, please do the right thing, and APOLOGIZE PUBLICALLY for that comment!

Those poor cows - how could you?

John the Econ said...

How stable a society will China be when a substantial percentage of it's male population will not be able to find mates? Historically, it's been women who have moderated the aggressive nature of men.

Suzy said...

Yuck.

Pete(Detroit) said...

John, I think there will be wholesale import / export of single guys / single gals. I just hope they're not wearing uniforms.
I also fully expect 'alternative' relationships - woman sharing, as it were.
And the guys that can't get a woman, can't get out of the country to find one, are gonna be FRUSTRATED.

Doktor Paulie said...

Our best weapon against the insanity is our laughter. Have you ever noticed how lefties just can't STAND to be laughed at?

Today's subject brings to mind the thought that there's no telling what other wonderful and horrifying experiments in genetic engineering are probably taking place under various rocks. As a Christian familiar with The Book of The Revelation, I'm starting to suspect that some of those passages that in the past we thought were colorful symbology requiring interpretation may actually be exact literal descriptions. Red dragons, anyone?

Bobo said...

How long before some whacked out Chinese plastic surgeon gets the idea to reverse engineer the genetic modification and figures out how to give Chinese women "Moob Jobs?" With 4 teets to an udder that should satisfy the women-starved Chinese men.

How they gonna keep the boys on the farm once they've seen Bigjugs...um..I mean Beijing?

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Readers- Once again, Hope n' Change readers bravely go where the mainstream media fears to tread, with debate about horny Chinese, moobs, and which end of a cow looks most like Joy Behar.

And now I've got Proof's slow-motion opening of Baywatch stuck in my head, complete with a genetically augmented cow in a red swimsuit. TGIF!

Chuck said...

Mooooooobs.

Proof said...

Stilton: You're welcome!

Anonymous said...

Stilt, are you calling Joy Behar a cow? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha..........excellent good laugh!
However, I may have to concur with Ementaler. That is a definitely insult to the cows!

Pete(Detroit) said...

Hadn't herd of the 'human' dairy cows, but was aware of 'spider goats'... (old story)

http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/CuttingEdge/story?id=98095&page=1

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Anonymous (above)- No cows should have been insulted by my comments. Note that I implied that the cows might have been appealing to men in their natural (but enhanced) state...but the Joy Behar face was a total dealbreaker.

JustaJeepGuy said...

An interesting facet of this story is that the Chinese don't ordinarily use milk. They don't like it and don't like cheese, either. And yes, their "one-child" policy is biting them in the @$$, since they traditionally wouldn't want female children and so are now overflowing with young men who will never be able to marry. Wow, the Chinese live in interesting times! Someone has sure cursed them!

Andrew said...

Now I have this vision: outraged mobs of talking cows angrily mooing their protests at being smeared with comparisons to Joy Behar. Where's Gary Larson when you need him?

One hundred million or so sexually frustrated young Chinese men, in uniform, who are basically forbidden to marry or pass along their own genes by official government policy (since this imbalance was planned decades ago).
Pretty unstable mix. That's a LOT of expendable cannon fodder.

Earl said...

There are probably plenty of U.S. parents willing to sell their daughters to China for cash. It happens all the time elsewhere. A horrible way for us to pay off our debt. I wish I could say this is a joke.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Earl- A news story today said the Chinese are already accusing the US of defaulting on our debts, largely by printing money to decrease the value of what we owe (and, oh yeah, devaluing every dollar that every American has saved). When the dollar can't be used to pay back debts - and we may already be there - it's genuinely frightening to think what the new medium of exchange will be. Human trading? I'm sure that the administration will cook up a catchy name for it...

Earl said...

They'll call it "Cash for (you fill in the blank)." I'm not going there.

Pete(Detroit) said...

Earl - "selling" daughters...
1) lotsa illegals w/ daughters
2) lotsa LEGALS w/ daughters - and face it, as opposed to a life as an unwed (and soon to be UNPAID - as we can NOT afford it) welfare queen, many, and I mean MANY Americans might see it as an upgrade for the kiddos - "hey, he's got a JOB a HOUSE and he's not in PRISON"...
GOOD out from the ghetto, perhaps.
Then again, that brings us our OWN "frustrated" males.
Many of whom are already in prison, and frustrated anyway.
Prison is as prison does... "well you know, prison doesn't "COUNT"..."
/Paul Vitti - "Analise This" (Rob't DeNiro )

Pete(Detroit) said...

Earl - "Cash for NNNT" just is SO wrong
and any of the others I came up w/ are ALSO wrong. Walking away now...