Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Barack Obama, known throughout the land as "the thriftiest president ever," has shockingly declared that with his new budget he intends to "end the era of austerity" in our nation's capital.
The sudden change of heart and decision to start spending money more generously came after the president, in his palatial bedroom, was visited by three spirits: the ghosts of fiscal responsibility past, present, and future.
All of whom he had shot by the Secret Service.
Still, inspired by the ease with which he had the spirits executed and buried in his wife's vegetable garden (next to a dessicated corpse which may or may not be Osama bin Laden), Mr. Obama rededicated himself to spending even more money than he was spending before: which is to say, all the money in the world and then some.
The president is calling for tens of billions in new domestic spending, the elimination of the horrible "GOP sequester" which, oh yeah, the president himself created, and an allowance for increasingly magnificent presidential vacations with more slaves, orgies, human sacrifices, and solar-powered grape peelers.
Some critics have suggested that the president wasn't exactly exercising "austerity" before this announcement - or at least that's what we assume the critics were about to suggest when blood started spraying out their ears just before their heads exploded.
But to prove that the president actually knows what the word "austerity" means, he has announced that even though he'll be spending more money on everything that his "Spending Money Foolishly Czars" can think of, he is going to be drastically cutting back funding for our military.
Former VP Dick Cheney summarizes the president's priorities quite neatly, saying Obama would "much rather spend the money on food stamps than he would on a strong military or support for our troops."
Although in fairness, that may not be a bad idea considering how many more of our troops will now be forced to go on foodstamps.
BONUS: To make up for the lack of cartoon on Monday, here's a little additional "piling on" for today's topic...