Friday, January 28, 2011
Proving that America's War on Terror never sleeps (or that it wouldn't if we could still call it the "War on Terror" rather than the "Counter-Strategic Offsets to Man-Caused Secular Disasters"), Janet Napolitano has announced the end of the color-coded terror warning system which was put in place after the horrific attacks of 9/11.
According to the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, "When it takes an entire box of Crayolas to represent threat levels, then the terrorists have won." Moreover, since the Department of Homeland Security pays approximately $1.3 million dollars per box of Crayolas, the new system stands to save a lot of taxpayer money.
Napolitano's new system will concentrate on only two threat levels: "elevated threat" and "imminent threat."
"Elevated threat" is the baseline, and it means that the world is a terrible and dangerous place and that we should all feel sick to our stomachs with fear at all times, because it will never ever be safe again.
"Imminent threat" means that you're standing next to a woman in a burka, and she's ticking.
Frankly, we think the system could easily be refined even further by boiling down the two threat levels to "looks okay to me" and "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" And we plan to suggest this to the Department of Homeland Security as soon as we can figure out how to pad it into a 2000 page report and bill them a couple of million dollars for the advice.
But in all seriousness, Hope n' Change thinks the new system is probably a good idea. After all, agents of Homeland Security seemingly can't spot the difference between likely terror suspects, and Amish barrelmakers, grandmothers in wheelchairs, or small children.
So the odds are pretty good that they were color blind, too.