Friday, January 28, 2011

Color Blind

Proving that America's War on Terror never sleeps (or that it wouldn't if we could still call it the "War on Terror" rather than the "Counter-Strategic Offsets to Man-Caused Secular Disasters"), Janet Napolitano has announced the end of the color-coded terror warning system which was put in place after the horrific attacks of 9/11.

According to the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, "When it takes an entire box of Crayolas to represent threat levels, then the terrorists have won." Moreover, since the Department of Homeland Security pays approximately $1.3 million dollars per box of Crayolas, the new system stands to save a lot of taxpayer money.

Napolitano's new system will concentrate on only two threat levels: "elevated threat" and "imminent threat."

"Elevated threat"
is the baseline, and it means that the world is a terrible and dangerous place and that we should all feel sick to our stomachs with fear at all times, because it will never ever be safe again.

"Imminent threat" means that you're standing next to a woman in a burka, and she's ticking.

Frankly, we think the system could easily be refined even further by boiling down the two threat levels to "looks okay to me" and "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" And we plan to suggest this to the Department of Homeland Security as soon as we can figure out how to pad it into a 2000 page report and bill them a couple of million dollars for the advice.

But in all seriousness, Hope n' Change thinks the new system is probably a good idea. After all, agents of Homeland Security seemingly can't spot the difference between likely terror suspects, and Amish barrelmakers, grandmothers in wheelchairs, or small children.

So the odds are pretty good that they were color blind, too.

Also useful for connecting the dots.


Mumblix Grumph said...

Here's a new terror code:

1. Grumpy: Highest level. We ain't fooling around.

2. Bashful: Second highest level. Something is up, but we're too embarrassed to actually admit that a specific group is to under suspicion.

3. Sneezy...ANTHRAX!

4. Dopey: Janet Napolitano is on the case.

5. Happy: Things are pretty good.

6. Sleepy: Things are really good, so good in fact that we can start slacking off again.

7. Doc: Lowest threat level. Things are great! So good in fact, that we've abandoned using adjectives for names.

winston lil' brother smith said...

Mumblix that reminds me of a Sesame Street based alert spoof pic I saw with Big Bird being the highest rated.

Suzy said...

I think PBS's emergency broadcast system works just as good as anything else.... *rolling eyes*

John the Econ said...

Just as well. The old system was between useless and silly. There was no point in "green" being there, since we'd never likely be that secure ever again, and even if we were, the DOH'S would never say so simply because that would mean that there'd no longer be a need for the DOH'S. And they wouldn't have the balls to issue the highest level, since that would mean that they failed, and would basically concede responsibility for national security to militia-types.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

Mumblix- I like your system; it even carries the implication that, no matter what, we'll all "live happily ever after."

Colby_Muenster said...

I have never really understood the terror alert color code nonsense anyway. What exactly am I supposed to do if I wake up in the morning, switch on the radio, and find out the terror alert is RED!? Am I supposed to hide in my closet? Shit my pants? Call my pastor? Do the Curley Shuffle?

The color codes were a big waste of time and money, and the new improved version is little better, so I vote we adopt Mumblix's system. At least it's MEANT to be a joke...

Or, how about the BO system:

Frowny Face = Some nut just shot a bunch of people on an Army base, but it wasn't a REAL terrorist.

Happy face = I just bowed to a muslim world leader; everything is cool and they love us.

Off somewhere golfing = Screw you, I'm doing important stuff and will bless you with my face when I'm done.

Rick said...

Why do we need a warning system? Shouldn’t we have a warning system for our enemies? Just using faces of:

Obama = We are in a wimpy mood so abuse us all you want.

Bush = That’s it we have had enough, stop of pay

Reagan = Now you’ve done it, this means war! Your country is now a parking lot!

Palin = Kiss Mecca goodbye morons

Pete(Detroit) said...

Or, go w/ the appropriate response level...
1) Mitch Rapp
2) Jack Bauer
3) Jack Ryan
4) James Bond
5) Barney Fife

Notice how many of these guys actually get out there and kill the bad guys?

Angry Hoosier Dad said...

There is a reason Mark Steyn calls her "Janet Incompetano". Good and lasting humor is always based on truth.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

Colby, Rick, & Pete(Detroit)- ALL great systems, and very funny!

Angry Hoosier Dad- I can't really blame Janet for the color-coded system, but the "colored" gag was a direct reference to her putting a higher priority on inoffensive language than preventing terror.

Earl said...

Pete (Detroit) - Mitch Rapp is my hero. I remember the first Vince Flynn book I read where Mitch needed information from a terrorist and shot him in the knee. In context, it was the "kind" thing to do.

Pete(Detroit) said...

Earl - just got turned on to him recently - think I've read five in the past three weeks.

Necron99 said...

Gad..., I can't wait for the new Administration to get here so we can have a clean sweep of all of Obongo's knot-head czars, appointees, & Stooges...

79firebirdman said...

Ah, but Islam is the religion of peace and Muslims (and Dummycrats)are our friends. Why would we possibly need a warning system, when we can all just sing kumbaya and pretend no threats exist.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

79firebirdman- We need the warning system because it alerts us all to the likelihood that a Muslim might be unjustly accused of bringing his religion into play when casually shooting up a room full of soldiers. Knowing the warning levels helps us know how quickly to contact a Democrat who can defend the shooter.